The Natural History of the Mustache (Part II)

The seeds of the mustache’s downfall were sown by its very success. They were such proficient hunters, they would often kill far more than they needed, and rather than waste food, the mustaches gorged. As time went on, they grew increasingly fat, until most were as big as haystacks. Their excess pounds slowed them so much, they could barely hunt. No longer the swift and deadly creatures they once were, they now proved easy targets for the very predators that had once fled from them in mortal panic. Soon the plains were littered with the bodies of dead mustaches. Blood flowed in a million scarlet streams. It soaked into the earth, transforming the plains into a crimson landscape straight out of Hell. The mustache plunged toward extinction.

This was the mustache’s darkest hour. It was an hour that would last three million years. During this time, the mustache population was so small, it left no evidence that it even existed. No mustache fossil dating from this period has ever been found and, consequently, almost nothing is known about the mustache’s day-to-day life during these years. What did it eat? Where did it live? Did it interbreed with sideburns? The answers to these questions and to others like them are forever hidden behind a thick wall of impenetrable mystery.

Special Invitation

Due to the censorship currently taking place at the World Champ Stephen Neal blog I wish to extend an invitation to Mr. Neal to post his ramblings here. I will put aside my desire to keep this site solely oriented to mustache promotion to help a man who has had his podium swiped from beneath his feet.

The Natural History of the Mustache (Part 1)

You may not be aware of it -- it didn’t get a lot of press, for some reason -- but last week marked an important historical anniversary: exactly one billion years ago last Thursday, the world’s first mustache crawled up out of the primordial sea onto dry land. Of course, a billion years ago, there were no paparazzi on the shore with popping flashbulbs; no one set off any fireworks to mark the occasion; there were no tickertape parades. Yet the significance of that event was astronomical, for it would forever change the face of mankind.

The face of mankind, however, did not yet exist. Humans wouldn’t arrive on the planet for hundreds of millions of years. The mustache would have to wait.

While it waited, it multiplied. After only a few million years, the mustache population had grown to an alarming size. There were now more mustaches on earth than any other form of facial hair, including the eyebrow. Traveling in great herds consisting of several thousand individuals, the mustaches would sweep across the ancient African plain, leaving in their wake a trail of destruction several miles wide. Any animal that lay in their path was enveloped in a veil of murderous whiskers. They could skeletonize a brontosaurus in a matter of minutes. Even the mighty Tyrannosaurus rex -- king of the dinosaurs -- would avoid a mustache encounter at any cost. Known as the Mustacheoic era, this was the mustache’s golden age. Never again would it exist in such great numbers. Never again would it command such respect.

Facial Profiling

I recently got this t-shirt from a friend. I DIDN'T find it very funny.

Check out this mustache montage.

Can you guess which one is me?

The Sacred 'Stache

Salvador Dali's mustache was legendary. Dali once wrote:

"Since I don't smoke, I decided to grow a mustache - it's better for the health. However, I always carried a jewel-studded cigarette case in which, instead of cigarettes, were carefully placed several moustaches, Adolphe Menjou style. I offered them politely to my friends:

'Mustache? Mustache? Mustache?'

"Nobody dared touch them. This was my test regarding the sacred aspect of mustaches."

My First Mustache

In case you didn't catch it, that fine young chap pictured in the previous post was me at the tender age of thirteen. As you can see, my first mustache was something that really drove the ladies crazy. (For those of you wondering, I DIDN'T pay my sister $5 to kiss my cheek in the picture). I happened to be the first guy in my class to grow a 'stache and was the envy of all. So even though I was the shortest kid by at least two inches, having that mustache seemingly let me tower above the rest.

In the Beginning. . .

The moustache forms in stages in adolescent males. There is a definite order in which facial hairs appear on the face during puberty:
- The first facial hair to appear grows at the corners of the upper lip,
- It then spreads to form a moustache over the entire upper lip,
- This is followed by the appearance of hair on the upper part of the cheeks, and the area under the lower lip,
- It eventually spreads to the sides and lower border of the chin, and the rest of the lower face to form a full beard.

As with most human biological processes, this specific order may vary among individuals.